Tuesday, April 26, 2011
1. “Unfortunately I will not be able to turn in my science experiment for religious reasons. I attend a church that believes you should do no work on Sunday. Just to be safe, we also believe you should do no work any other days of the week either. Thank you for honoring my religious tradition.”
2.. “I would have turned in my quarterly report but straight line winds came through just our block last night and blew my computer into the upper stratosphere. I’m waiting for it to come down and then have someone call me and tell me where it is. Right now NASA believes it’s in a geocentric orbit somewhere over the Fiji Islands.”
3. “I left my homework in a suitcase over spring break and my parents couldn’t afford the $50 luggage fee to bring it back on the airplane. They even discussed whether they could afford to bring me back – but they did.”
4. “Our septic tank in the back yard backed up and no one can go in the basement (where my homework is) until 2014 when the Environmental Protection Agency says it will be safe to go back down there. I will turn it in three years from now if that’s okay with you.”
5. “I was doing my math homework when a call came in on my cell phone from the producers of American Idol saying that one of the finalists had come down with the flu and asked if I would take their place. It will require six weeks of rehearsal so don’t look for my book report until late summer and the ratings are in.”
6. “We ran out of dog food at home this week. Because my paper was on good nutrition, I decided to feed it to Bo the Dog in hopes it would help satisfy his appetite. You’ll be pleased to know his coat is shinier than ever and his eyes are bright. I’m thinking of feeding him my report on free range organic eggs next.”
7. “My Mom accidentally set the air conditioner too low and we went to sleep and it started to snow inside our house. I’d go into my bedroom and retrieve my social studies report but there are avalanche warnings in effect until next month.”
8. “I accidentally left my science experiment in the sun and it started to grow funny mold. Our house is now surrounded by men in bubble suits who say they plan to bury our home in black sand and evacuate the city. The Disease Control Center in Atlanta has warned me to bring nothing to school with me until toxology tests are finished. You would be at risk of growing two heads if I turn it in now.”
Posted by Cheryl Moeller: Stand up Comic for Moms, Syndicated Mom Humor Columnist, Conference Speaker, Author, Cookbook writer, and Mom of 6. Contact: email@example.com at 11:54 AM
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I believe it’s time to begin in our homes a “Gifted Moms” program. Why should “gifted children” get all the press? Hey, where do they think these gifted kids came from? E-Bay? The spring clearance rack at Marshalls? No, we gave birth to these brainy, precocious, talented children. I’m telling you right now – you show me a two year old child that can recite Shakespeare while playing the cello with Yo-Yo Ma and I’ll show you a gifted umbilical cord that leads right back to – you guessed it – us.
So how can you know for sure if you belong in the “Gifted Moms” program? Can you read and memorize a flashing caller ID number at 2:00 Am in the pitch dark while holding a colicky baby in one arm and working out on your Bowflex with the other?
Can you deliver fourteen kids in a minivan all to their right homes during a snowstorm while ordering out Chinese for supper on your cell phone without asking for an address? You must also be able to spell out Moo Goo Gai Pan and Gen eral Chao’s chicken in Mandarin if necessary. Definitely gifted.
Can you tell your husband which pile in the basement his favorite polo shirt is in while shoving de-worming pills down the throat of your Labrador retriever? Can you pull the polo shirt out of the dog’s mouth while stopping your husband from swallowing the de-worming pills because his thinks they are his high blood pressure medicine? Very gifted.
How do you know that you are a "Gifted Mom?" Well, you do your child's science fair project and get them to believe that they did it 100 percent on their own. Now that takes a talented mom to pull that off.
A Gifted Mom can actually shower, do their hair, cook, teach, clean, pay bills, launder, drive, get out lots of hugs and recycle. She does this while making/canceling appointments and shuffling pounds of paper into an organized calendar, all while maintaining a sense of humor!
So what kind of special programs should be offered for “Gifted Moms”?
How about a recital where “Gifted Moms” can recite all the artificial additives they don’t let their children eat (in alphabetical order of course)?
How about a one week special wilderness camp for Gifted Moms? Gifted Moms could plan their home school curriculum while repelling off cliffs using their old panty hose as bungee cords. Hang in there Mom!
Of course, there would be Ph.D. courses for really, really gifted Moms. We’ll call these special, over the top Moms, Dr. Moms. Dr. Moms receive this special degree if they have first:
Served the entire soccer team a full picnic meal complete with organic vegetarian hot dogs, organic macaroni and cheese, oranges, juice boxes, and apples – while the team was still on the field and the game was still in progress (and without receiving a yellow card).
Posted by Cheryl Moeller: Stand up Comic for Moms, Syndicated Mom Humor Columnist, Conference Speaker, Author, Cookbook writer, and Mom of 6. Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org at 8:16 AM
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Mommies need a little break every once in a while. You know it's time for a mommy break:
1. When instead of on the nail side, you use your red nail polish on the other side of your thumb.
2. When you start laughing hysterically for no reason and the result is other mommies jumping over your fence with one leap.
New! Mom's Stuck On Spin Cycle Order Now!
3. When you use startusing your own hair brush not only for a microphone , but also for directing traffic.
4. When you don't even know that the shoe you can't get your foot into belongs to your three year old.
5. When you show up downtown with empty bags for the candy that will be thrown at the parade, but it's the 4th of June.
6. When you think the trending words on twitter are mommy's spelling words for the week.
7. When you are substituting all the ingredients in a recipe, but not just one or two.
8. When you think sharing alternate uses for a baby wipe with people you have never met at Starbucks is normal behavior.
9. When You throw a fit to prevent your toddler from throwing one.
10. When you get mxied up and think the little hands on your clock are the ones that need to be washed.
11. When you forget that draperies are for opening, not swinging on.
Posted by Cheryl Moeller: Stand up Comic for Moms, Syndicated Mom Humor Columnist, Conference Speaker, Author, Cookbook writer, and Mom of 6. Contact: email@example.com at 1:05 PM
Monday, April 11, 2011
In the Midwest you are very excited when your see the first snow flurries of the season at the end of October. You love having a white Christmas. Then, there's a big blizzard New Year's Eve and finally you make it to MLK Day. But, what’s a Mom to do when she’s still trapped inside on Valentines' Day? Or, St. Patty's Day or Easter?????? Here are 10 sure signs our Midwest winter needs to mercifully end right now…
1. The clerk at Dairy Queen® asks if you’d like to order another
Blizzard®, and you immediately begin to weep and shake
2. The temperature finally reaches 34 degrees above zero, so you roll
out the backyard Slip ‘N Slide® and spend the afternoon gliding on
your stomach and honking like a Pacific seal (and your kids don’t
even get a turn).
3. You wear thermal underwear instead of nylons to formal occasions
— and so does everyone else.
4. You use the wrong end of the snow shovel to finish clearing the
driveway and still do it in less than 30 minutes.
5. You spend an hour a day reading by the 20-watt light bulb in the
freezer to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder (and don’t notice
your nose is frostbitten).
6. You demand to leave your fur-lined boots on during your pedicure
(and the pedicurist agrees it’s a good idea).
7. To save time shopping, you snowmobile through Walmart®, causing
prices to instantly roll back.
8. To lose weight, you take your goose-down coat in for liposuction
(and it works).
9. You cancel your plans to spend all day Saturday ice fishing. (You
haven’t figured out how to get the outboard motor through the hole
in the ice.)
10. You rush outside in a blizzard with a hand-held hair dryer to
prevent another “snow day.”
By Cheryl Moeller, Midwest native, who loves living in a winter wonderland.
Author of eight books, including Help! Mom's Stuck on Spin Cycle
Posted by Cheryl Moeller: Stand up Comic for Moms, Syndicated Mom Humor Columnist, Conference Speaker, Author, Cookbook writer, and Mom of 6. Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org at 10:43 PM