Nine Things Not to Say in a Wedding Card

1. Congratulations on your big day! You won't believe it but I saw your same dress on a reality  television series, "Prison Weddings". (Unfortunately they discovered it had been stolen.)

2.   My roommate from college is getting married! I'm so excited for you! By the way did you know   I read there was a serious computer virus operating on your Internet dating website when they matched you with Brad? Don't worry, they've fixed it now and no more polygamists will be allowed to get through the filter process. Enjoy your magical day!

Very Funny!
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3.  I can't believe the size of your engagement ring cousin! And it's three carats no less! What a time of coincidences too! I happen to work at a credit agency and your fiance's score just  popped up on my screen all by itself the other day – a 25 out of 750. Can you imagine that? Keep that new diamond and your love sparkling!

4. Your wedding goes to show there are no hopeless cases. Love, Aunt Edna

5. That tuxedo your new husband wore is so unforgettable! I told Elmer on the way home it looks  exactly like those adorable Antarctic birds in, "March of the Penguins."  I'm just curious – does your hubby like cold weather?

6. To think you're already back from your honeymoon! I'm so happy the two of you are happy. I      don't even mind losing the $10 bet with your sister that the marriage wouldn't last this long.
(You two are still together aren't you?)

7.  What a thrill to meet your new husband at the wedding! I felt like I had seen him before. Then when I returned to my job at the Post Office I realized I had. To think his picture was on the wall for two  years and I never bothered to look at his name. (I hope you feel so wanted in your new life together…he is.)

8. We all wept at your wedding, sweetheart. There's no need to explain why. Aunt Selma.

9. My dearest daughter, congratulations on your marriage to Steve. They say, "Behind every great   man is a surprised mother-in-law." I'm still waiting to be surprised. Signed, your loving Mother

10. Marriage is like a carton of milk – it's wholesome, refreshing, and comes with an expiration date. May your love never curdle, but if it does, make tofu.

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10 Ways to Know It's Time for September

1. You let the kids play with the water hose -- in the living room.

2. Mom and dad are doing full-out cannon ball dives into the community swimming pool -- that is, until they ask you to leave.

3. Bedtime is now 7:30 sharp -- in the morning.

4. You roasted smores with the kids over an open fire last night -- that is after the marshmallow catches fire on your stovetop.

5. You make truckloads of lemonade for dinner -- using the water from the fire hydrant.

6. You call your friends and tell them you're calling from seaside at Martha's "Grape" Vineyard -- actually you're sitting in a 2 foot plastic wading pool, after your son smears grape jelly all over his face.

7. You contact Carnival Cruise Line on-line and ask if they will sell your family one way tickets.

8. You tell your husband you're having "shrimp on the barbie" for supper -- actually its your way of telling your husband that your five-year-old daughter left her favorite doll on the gas grille.

9. You call your favorite baby-sitter and insist tonight they read a story and make macaroni and cheese -- for you.

10. Mom finally takes a nap -- but doesn't notice, under the sprinkler.

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The Top Ten Attractions to Avoid on your Family Vacation This Summer

1. Any roadside diner advertising, “Home Cooking” and “Free Oil Change.”

2. Any medieval jousting match asking for your blood type and name of next of kin.

3. Any mule trip into the Grand Canyon selling only one-way tickets.

4. Any tour of a nuclear power plant promising, “You’ll be the first on your block to glow in the dark.”

5. Any Wild West rodeo cautioning, “Patrons must not feed the bulls that charge into the bleachers.”

6. Any 3D Imax theater showing, “The Fantastic Gall Bladder.”

7. Any water amusement park promising, “Raging Rivers and E-Coli Fun for Everyone!”

8. Any helicopter ride requiring proof of a Last Will and Testament.

9. Any bungee-jump offering, “Full Money Back Guarantee If We Forget to Tie the Cord.”

10. Any `All You Can Eat’ Buffett boasting, “We Never Serve the Same Customer Twice!”

Camp Stats

 
8: Kids in one cabin and one counselor.
2: Percent chance that the camp nurse will have my immunizations record that I emailed her (always bring another copy).
200: Letters I mailed to camp    Read More Click here

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How to Know if you are an "Over the Top" Grandparent

All of us have run into grandparents all too eager to show us pictures, slides, jpegs and endless other representations of their grandchildren. While these pictures are immensely interesting to the grandparents themselves, they can prove to be a "real snoozer" for the casual participant (trapped victim).

Here are ten ways to know if you have become the slightly obnoxious, (okay, at times really obnoxious) "Over the Top" Grandparent:

1)  You hold up traffic at busy intersections trying to interest the driver in the next lane with pictures of your grandchild's first visit to Santa (and it's now August).

2)  You buy a new black suit, take it to Walgreen's, and have the photo department burn a life-size picture on the suit jacket of the delivery room nurse holding up your first grandchild seconds after birth (no need to wear a tie -- the umbilical cord does the trick).

3)  You have a billboard installed in your front yard with a picture of you and your grandchild -- rotating spotlights are used to highlight dimples.

4)  Crime drops in your area as even would-be intruders are afraid of being confronted in the middle of the night with your accordion-like string of wallet-sized pictures of the twins.

5)  You have pay extra for the three vanity license plates on the back of your car that combined read, "IM GREATST GRANDPRT IN WRLD W/ QUTEST GRANDCHLD EVR IN HISTRY OF WORLD -- HONK IF U'D LIKE TO C PICHURES."

6)  You try making the same face your little niece does when she eats oatmeal to the nice highways patrolman who pulled you over. He reaches for the handcuffs.

7)  You are hired by the Sleep Insomnia Clinic to cure patients by endlessly talking about sweet Janey's first music recital and how her mother also played the piano when she was just that age (you have a 100% success rate within 10 minutes).

8)  Waterboarding is no longer needed at Guantanomo Bay to extract information, rather interrogators simply pipe in (non-stop) video and audio recordings of little Suzy's first year of practicing the saxophone (everyone eventually breaks).

9)  Several hospitals are able to cut the amount of anesthesia needed to put patients "under" before surgery by hiring you to stand next to the operating table and recite over and over all the cute little things your grand daughter said to you on the phone last week (belly-laughing at them all). Like magic patients lapse into deep unconsciousness.

10) You invent a code that foreign nations cannot break based on the adorable little names your adorable little grandchildren call you (...grinpappa calling grandmeow...please send secret formula to grampooza from pappaw....do you copy?)