Ten Attractions for Mom to Avoid on the Family Vacation

Okay, let’s admit it. We’ve all been taken in by those hyped-up billboards on the Interstate promising hours of non-stop family fun and adventure. And what about those racks of exotic-looking brochures in the lobby that lure you to underground stalactite caves, bumper car heaven and a wax museum of Elvis’ favorite cats? Yet, a seasoned Mom knows exactly which “Family Fun Attractions” to avoid at all costs while on vacation…

1. Any roadside diner advertising “Home Cooking” and a “Free Oil Change.”

2. Any medieval jousting match asking for your blood type and name of your next of kin.

3. Any mule trip into the Grand Canyon that sells only one-way tickets.

4. Any tour of a nuclear power plant that promises, “You’ll be the first on your block to glow in the dark.”

5. Any Wild West rodeo cautioning, “Patrons absolutely forbidden from feeding bulls when they charge into the bleachers.”

6. Any IMAX 3D theater showing, The Fantastic Gall Bladder.

7. Any water amusement park promising, “E. coli fun for everyone!”

8. Any helicopter ride that requires proof of a Last Will and Testament.

9. Any bungee-jump attraction that promises, “Full Money Back Guarantee if we don’t Tie the Cord!”

10. Any flashing neon sign that reads, “We’ve Never Served the Same Customer Twice!”

So That's What the Tooth Fairy Does With Them

Kids Say the Funniest Things

I was making a hot dish for supper. MacKenzie, age 9, didn't like it, so I told her she could bake a frozen pizza.

MacKenzie preheated the oven, so I could put the pizza in.

She put the oven on 375 degrees.

I asked her why it was so low, because I usually make a pizza at 400 degrees.

MacKenzie said she wanted it fluffy.

I asked her how that would make it fluffy.

She said it says 375 degrees on the box, for high altitude. And she wanted her pizza high and fluffy, with some altitude.

HA HA.

JUNE 2011 - Cheryl's Writing Mentor Conferences: Writing, Publishing, Kindle Publishing, Speaking, and Blogging

  All are welcome to join me:

Monday through Wednesday, June 13-15, 10:00 Am - 5:00 Pm, 

Cheryl's Writing Mentor Conference:  Writing, Publishing, Kindle Publishing, Speaking, and Blogging 

Free conference notes for this life-changing conference.
Lunch is on your own.  Bring your own coffee.
1500 words can be submitted for review by Cheryl.  She will review up to one month after the conference. 

Conference will be held at Bethany Baptist Church, 6700 W. Gunnison, Harwood Heights, IL
R.S.V.P. to forkeepsministries@gmail.com

Monday through Wednesday, June 20-22, 11:00 Am - 5:00 Pm, 

Cheryl's Writing Mentor Conference:  Writing, Publishing, Kindle Publishing, Speaking, and Blogging

1500 words can be submitted for review by Cheryl.  She will review up to one month after the conference. 

Conferences will be held at Harvest Baptist Church, Oswego, IL

Conference notes.  Please bring a sack lunch and your own coffee.
R.S.V.P. to forkeepsministries@gmail.com

Ten Reasons a Mom Knows it’s Going to be a Long Labor and Delivery….

 

10. Housekeeping brings in a Chia Pet and asks if you’ll water it daily.

9. The Midwife takes off her watch and instead hangs up a lunar calendar.

8. The RN sits down and begins reading her hard bound copy of War and Peace.

7. The OB doctor looks at his watch and decides he can get in a round of golf – in Bermuda.

6. The chaplain says he’s overjoyed he can bless the newborn just a few days before he retires – he’s only 28.

5. The phlebotomist smiles and says, “This will be fun – a Christmas baby!” and heads off to a Fourth of July parade.

4. You husband produces a dozen roses in the delivery room and says sweetly, “And you thought I would forget our tenth anniversary...” That’s when you remember you were admitted on your 8th anniversary.

3. Your little boy was studying for his weekly spelling test when you left home in labor – he now text messages you to say he’s been accepted to College.

2. The dietician thanks you that now she’ll be able to use all of her season tickets to the opera.

1. The monitor tells you your contractions are now as far apart as the summer Olympics.

You Know You Have a Large Family When

The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner (unless it’s for a fast).

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine).

Holidays are always at your house (Santa has to use a “wide load” sleigh and 16 reindeer to haul everything down to you).

Your monthly grocery store receipt is 4 figures (the commodities market rallies every time you go shopping).

You are happy to get your oldest daughter's hand-me-downs.

As long as you book it by the fourth of July, you are guaranteed a reserved table at your favorite restaurant for your whole family for Valentine’s Day.

You use a whole box of oatmeal to make breakfast (and that’s for the younger kids and newborns).

Your driveway looks like a used car lot (your husband wears a plaid sport coat and has to check with his manager before handing you the keys).

How a Mom can Lower her Gas Bill at the Service Station

1) Only drive your kids to destinations that are downhill from you.

2) Tell your boss you can’t come into work in honor of Stephanie Tanner's
birthday (and hope he doesn’t watch Full House).

3) See if your automobile will run on syrup.

4) As a science project, have your kids siphon your neighbor’s gasoline.

5) Throw a family block party at your house; but instead of a side dish have
guests bring a barrel of crude oil. (Call it an OPEQ themed party.)

6) Car pool with neighbors and friends, but whenever it’s your turn to drive
tell them to take the bus because you're going green.

7) Use the squeege for the car windows at the gas station to wash your
whole automobile.

8) Make your kids quit all sports except cross country.

9) Check into the legal restrictions of taking riding lawnmowers onto U.S.
highways.

10) Have your vacation at home. (Tell your kids you're pretty sure that your garage is just like Universal Studios.)