Monday, September 24, 2007

Gifted Moms

I believe it’s time to begin in our homes a “Gifted Moms” program. Why should “gifted children” get all the press? Hey, where do they think these gifted kids came from? E-Bay? The spring clearance rack at Marshalls? No, we gave birth to these brainy, precocious, talented children. I’m telling you right now – you show me a two year old child that can recite Shakespeare while playing the cello with Yo-Yo Ma and I’ll show you a gifted umbilical cord that leads right back to – you guessed it – us.

So how can you know for sure if you belong in the “Gifted Moms” program?
Can you read and memorize a flashing caller ID number at 2:00 Am in the pitch dark while holding a colicky baby in one arm and working out on your Bowflex with the other?

Can you deliver fourteen kids in a minivan all to their right homes during a snowstorm while ordering out Chinese for supper on your cell phone without asking for an address? You must also be able to spell out Moo Goo Gai Pan and General Chao’s chicken in Mandarin if necessary. Definitely gifted.

Can you tell your husband which pile in the basement his favorite polo shirt is in while shoving de-worming pills down the throat of your Labrador retriever? Can you pull the polo shirt out of the dog’s mouth while stopping your husband from swallowing the de-worming pills because his thinks they are his high blood pressure medicine? Very gifted.

How do you know that you are a "Gifted Mom?" Well, you do your child's science fair project and get them to believe that they did it 100 percent on their own. Now that takes a talented mom to pull that off.

A Gifted Mom can actually shower, do their hair, cook, teach, clean, pay bills, launder, drive, get out lots of hugs and recycle. She does this while making/canceling appointments and shuffling pounds of paper into an organized calendar, all while maintaining a sense of humor!

So what kind of special programs should be offered for “Gifted Moms”?

How about a recital where “Gifted Moms” can recite all the artificial additives they don’t let their children eat (in alphabetical order of course)?

How about a one week special wilderness camp for Gifted Moms? Gifted Moms could plan their home school curriculum while repelling off cliffs using their old panty hose as bungee cords. Hang in there Mom!

What about Advance Placements classes for Gifted Moms? Three days a week, from the 3:30 to 5:30 Pm, a special bus should drive through neighborhoods picking up Gifted Moms for approved courses at the local junior college. There they could receive college credits in “Coping when my child finally misses one answer on a test.” Gifted Moms can learn to do the impossible: have a child that doesn't turn to gold absolutely everything they touch.

Of course, there would be Ph.D. courses for really, really gifted Moms. We’ll call these special, over the top Moms, Dr. Moms. Dr. Moms receive this special degree if they have first:

Served the entire soccer team a full picnic meal complete with organic vegetarian hot dogs, organic macaroni and cheese, oranges, juice boxes, and apples – while the team was still on the field and the game was still in progress (and without receiving a yellow card).

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