Thursday, November 29, 2007

Just in time for Christmas and Hanukkah... The New Chicago Sticky Bun Diet

"I am a happy customer" - Uncle Chuck from St. Paul

Have you tried the New Chicago Sticky Bun Diet? It can reverse the healthy effects of weight loss and aerobic daily exercise in just a matter of minutes. You can add back those sightly pounds you've just lost and you can enjoy the taste of hot cinnamon and sticky yeast dough at the same time. Forget those fad diets that promise you dozens and dozens of pounds in a day or two if you buy their product -- only to lose them again and again. The Chicago Sticky Bun diet is clinically proven (at least we eat them outside our doctor's clinic) to add all the excess cholesterol, high HDL's, and dense body fat you want and stick there for years to come! So hurry now and order a dozen of calorie-rich Chicago Sticky Buns at 1-800-Pig-Outs. Operators are standing by - many with their mouths stuffed full.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

It's "Elf" Time Again

It's "Elf" Time Again

It's time to write your Christmas Letter. Here's my run at it...

Dear Friends (actually, you’re the only friend I have).

Last year I wrote you to tell you that my husband had received a big raise. I also told you that he was recommended by NASA for the Astronaut program by his supervisor at work. OOps! I lied.”

I also told you we remodeled our entire family room. Actually, I picked up all the toys for the first time in two years and discovered we had a different color of carpeting than what I had remembered.

Yes, and I did say that our daughter had joined a community group and been given jewelry by appreciative supervisors. Actually, she was ordered to do community service and is still wearing an ankle bracelet.

Well, I also told you I had lost over 50 pounds and was feeling terrific. The truth is I left the trunk open in our car coming home from Best Buy and our new television fell out on the express way. It weighs about 50 pounds and I feel terrific that the police aren’t pressing charges for the 21 car pile-up I started.

You may remember my telling you about our trip to California and how it gave us all stomach flutters to see wave after wave. Actually, we all had supper one night at the California Pizza Kitchen and got food poisoning and the wave after wave was actually…well you get the idea.

I may have mentioned last year that our church board finally recognized me as one of the church’s outstanding disciples. To tell the truth, actually the word they used was “church discipline” and I’m not allowed on the church property for two years.

So as you can see it’s been another memorable year. Well, the truth is I’m praying for amnesia, one more year like this and it’s all over.

Merry Christmas,

Cheryl and the whole gang (literally)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Insanity Relief

Need relief from the insanity of some days? Then order the perfect gift -A Papyrus Pilot XL. You won't have to buy expensive laptops, palm computers, or Internet phones to be hip, cutting-edge and so-today in your use of personal technology. Buy a Papyrus Pilot and start entering the truly important data of your life. This sassy little notebook can change your life.

Papyrus Pilot is a spiral notebook with nine subtabs - which include the following divisions: (We have had 100s of categories submitted by faithful Papyrus Pilot users and these are the ones who were chosen from many.)

People Who are Mad at Me

Dress Sizes I Can't Fit Into

Dreams Deferred

Things I can Hold Against my Children

Gifts I've Asked for and Never Recieved

Vacations I've Never Taken

Edible Foods I have found under couch cushions

Order for all your girlfriends and sisters an outrageous, fun gift to bring a smile to their faces. Order for your aunts and your grandmother and laugh your way through Christmas.

Want to instant message someone? It's easier than ever with Papyrus Pilot. Forget the tiny keyboard. With Papyrus Pilot, just write the information on a piece of genuine, undigital paper, tear it off and hand it to them. It's instant! It's a message!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Myths of Birth Order Dispelled

Does anyone have an older sibling that still treats them like they are five? Okay that’s me and I have three of them.

I love my older sisters, but they have always been my older sisters. It started when they were born first.

I always got the hand-me-downs. By the time I got the hoola hoop, it was square. When I got the easy bake oven, it had e-coli. And when I finally got the Ken and Barbie doll, they were already in a mid-life crisis.

Well, sometimes my oldest sister would watch us three younger sisters. My mom would give us four dolls and a stack of saltine crackers for a snack. She would of course decide when it was time to feed us. We would all sit there like baby robins in a nest with our mouths open waiting for her to drop something in our mouths – so she would ask if we wanted the cracker with or without salt. If we wanted it without salt she would take a cracker and lick the salt off and then hand it to us. It took the meaning of sodium free to a whole new level.

The 7-up Slurpee that we all shared... Well, that is why I have emotional backwash to this day.

How many of your remember when jelly came in those little Flintstone glasses? The neat thing was when you were done with the jelly – then you could wash the little glass jar and then use it at the table as a glass – if you ate enough jelly you could furnish a whole set -- even Martha Stewart hadn’t thought of that. One day I accidentally broke one – and one of my older sisters said, "How come can’t we keep anything nice around here?"

I love being the youngest in the family but some people don't like their birth order. The problem? The problem is all those books out there about birth order. And all of us believe it and live by it as though it were all true.

Well, I say if you don't like your order in the family why not change it so you end up where really want to be?

How can that be done? Well, what do you do if you didn’t like your first, middle or last name? You’d go to court and have it changed. Want to be first born? The youngest? Disappear in the middle? Go on the Web, find a site created by lawyers to change your birth order, download the forms, and voila! You’re now top of the heap and can run the universe. Or, if you’re now the baby of the family you can stomp your feet, get big alligator tears and threaten to go tell Mom and Dad even if you are 38.

To change your birth order you might try telling people the hospital got the ink footprints mixed up and actually you were born a decade before your oldest sister who looks nine years older than you. You can then go over to your (former) oldest sister’s home, knock on her door, and shout, “Give me back my make-up purse! Who said you could borrow it in the first place? And don’t let me ever find you in my bathroom again!”

Or, finally, to change your birth order go to and use Photoshop to insert your own picture into the class of ’86 where your brother’s face used to be. The amazing result? Suddenly, you’re now Wally Cleaver and he’s the Beaver. Even Ward and June are too old to go ape over something like that.

Finally, remember birth order begins to repeat itself in large families with every fourth child. This is mainly because no birth order book has more than four types of children so then by the fifth one the child starts acting like the first one. If someone could think of another chapter it would likely transform families overnight.

Birth order, according to some authors, affects everything about your life. It affects whether or not you have asthma, what type of exercise program you should undertake and whether the leaves turn in your front yard turn to autumn colors before or after others in your family.

Basically if you know about birth order, you don't need to know anything else. And why should you?

You already have a brother who knows everything for you.