Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Flip, Flop, Cover-up?

We have eight people in our home who each own at least three pairs of flip-flops. That’s 24 total pairs of flip-flops. So why is it we have exactly 23 singles that don’t match any longer?

My answer may alarm you but here’s the truth. You know how we all hear about candidates running for President who are constantly being accused of “flip-flopping” on the issues? There’s a reason why. It’s not because they are constantly changing their mind on vital topics of the day. No, that’s too simple. It’s really code language for something far more sinister.

It’s because several of the Democratic and Republican front-runners for President may have actually stolen flip-flops right out of your front hallway closet (Go try and find a matching pair right now. See I was right). It’s all so obvious. Why else do you think the leading candidates are constantly calling each other “flip-floppers?” They all know the truth about each other’s shocking behavior -- but we’re not listening. Shame on all of them – taking one of our little kid’s seaweed green flip flops right in the middle of the night.

Still need more proof? Okay, try this on for size. Why is it that they never, ever show the feet of candidates during a televised debate? Why do they insist on hiding behind those floor length podiums even when they claim they’re going toe to toe? Just for balance? No, Sir. It’s so you and I won’t see their tiny little sinister political piggys from sticking out from a turquoise flip-flop on one foot and an orange flip-flop on the other. Imagine the gall of these Presidential candidates.

They’re constantly telling us, “It’s time to take back our nation.” I say it’s time we take back our flip-flops. Let them cash in their millions in campaign contributions and go to a clearance aisle at Walgreens in November if they want their own pair of flip-flops that bad. Why deprive a family of eight from the flip flops we so desperately need to go swimming next June?

As a mother I say, who cares about the economy, or health care, or foreign policy when compared to the real issue of our day? Don’t you agree with me that we as a nation have the right to see just who is wearing our flip-flops? After all, one of these men or women may someday place their feet in the Oval Office. (Hey, wait a minute. Now that I think about it why do they never show the President’s feet behind his desk in the Oval Office either? What’s he wearing? This story could get big…)

So which party can be trusted to address the problem of missing flip-flops? The Liberals promise that they’ll confiscate only those who own too many flip-flops. Their plan is to then redistribute flip-flops on a more equal basis throughout society. (Like I want to wear someone else’s flip-flop even if it once belonged to Donald Trump.) The Conservatives on the other hand, promise if elected, to cut your flip-flops in half and let you keep the other portion rather than sending the whole thing to Washington. (Like we all can wear a flip without a flop and not suffer for it.)

Moms, it’s time you got involved. I challenge you to attend a caucus or town hall meeting the next time a Presidential candidate comes to town. I, for one, plan to ask, “As a mother of six who are missing dozens of flip-flops, tell me…how will Baby Boomers once they reach retirement age, tip-toe through the Medicare system wearing only one flip-flop? How will you prevent “no child from being left behind” with only one sandal? And the perennial question, “Do you as a flip-flopper feel my pain (particularly fallen arches and bone spurs)?”

Yes sir, these candidates deserve these tough questions and more. And don’t be surprised if you catch one of them putting their foot in their mouth – and you suddenly recognize it’s one of your son’s flip-flops.

As a Mom, this may be the most important election of our time.

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