Read the Instructions or Else

Kenzie's dream was a lofty one -- to sit upon her own throne on her 9^th
birthday and unwrap her gifts. So she talked me into buying a
Strawberry Shortcake inflatable chair to be used to fulfill not
only her royal ambitions but another dream as well. When we moved into
our current home four years ago she exacted a promise that I would
decorate her room in pink. As you guessed it is still blue, but for one
Strawberry Shortcake throw pillow, a Strawberry Shortcake poster, and
an inflatable pink throne she would consider her room officially decorated
until she reaches the age of 13.

How could I resist?

I must have been blindfolded and taken by a UFO because in a matter
of minutes I found myself walking through the aisles of Party City. It was
there I bought her the apparently indestructible Strawberry Shortcake
Inflatable Chair.

It was now the day before the party and time to blow up the inflatable
throne because -- well -- it's inflatable.  Being a gifted mother however
I informed Kenzie we must read the instructions first.

That’s when the trouble began.

The instructions promise that if the item is inflated properly it may
last up to 10 years (the perfect gift to send my daughter off to college
with). In fact, the instructions promise, if you take proper care of the
chair it can become a cherished family heirloom (“Yes, dear, it’s
true. Your great grandmother, Queen Cheryl, sat upon this very
inflatable throne and ruled the upper waste water management
district of the state of Illinois in the early 21st century. Her portrait
is down the hallway”). 

The instructions also warn you that if you want your Strawberry
Shortcake Inflatable Chair to look like the one on the box you need
to look at it under normal light. (Do you know anyone who looks
at chairs with abnormal light in their homes? If you do, put this
down and calmly dial the police giving their address and
description). 

Perhaps they’re talking about extreme weather conditions.
Let’s say there’s a major tornado in your area and you just saw
Dorothy and Toto fly by outside. Apparently the throne will change
colors. 

Back to the instructions: “To preserve this chair for future
generations you must do the following: 

Do not use around sharp knives or objects.  (Oh, no. I guess
I’m going to have to resign my activities with the Shopping Mall
Mama Gangstas.) 

Do not touch with a cigarette or open flame (And I wanted to
sit in my inflatable chair and have a fondue party.)

Do not rub against a rough wall or a rough wall surface.  (Now
they’ve taken all the fun out of life. Haven’t you ever been to a party
where everyone rubbed an inflatable chair against their head to form
static electricity -- then watched how long they could get their chair
to stick to the wall?)   

Do not jump on your Strawberry Shortcake chair. (So we can’t
do cannon balls off our sofa onto the chair anymore either? What do
these depressed, lonely, joyless shells of human beings who
invented the inflatable throne do for fun on their long winter nights at
home anyway?) 

Do not use in your pool as a flotation device.  (I guess that means
the 5,000 inflatable thrones on the USS Abraham Lincoln are all
going back to Party City – another awful case of wasteful government
misuse of our taxpayer monies). 

If you are sitting out in this chair in a cold climate added inflation
will be needed.  Now, I understand why in the movie March of the
Penguins (filmed in Antarctica) the mother penguins all pushed their
inflatable thrones 400 miles across frozen wastelands to the warmer
waters of the ocean. It was so they would need less air when they sit down.
Aren’t Mother Nature’s instincts nothing less than amazing?

This chair is made to last but caution is required to avoid damage
to this or any other inflatable product.  (At least I am not reading
this in vain since these principles are transferable.)
 

Please follow all of these instructions carefully and enjoy your
new inflatable furniture (What if I deliberately choose not to enjoy it
– does that void the warranty?)

You know, just thinking of having to follow all these instructions just to
enjoy an inflatable throne made me want to sit down, no, stand up, take
a nap, Oh, whatever.

Where is my sharp object?