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As a Mom, I promise I will improve in 2009

Mom's 2009 New Year's Resolutions, Two Months Later...


January 1st: "I will learn to sleep standing up."
March 1st: "I won't fall asleep behind the wheel."

January 1st: "I will find at least one pair of matching socks."
March 1st: "Finding one pair of matching socks is statisically
identical to being hit with a meteor, while vacationing in Florida."

January 1st: "I will use only one email address."
March 1st: "I will go from eight to seven email addresses."

January 1st: "I won't send SPAM to anyone this year on my computer."
March 1st: "Why can't I send SPAM if I want to? I grew up eating the stuff."

January 1st: "I will serve only totally organic meals to my family."
March 1st: "I will limit serving fast food at our family lunch table, to just twelve meals a week."

January 1st: "I will exercise every single day in 2009, for at least one hour."
March 1st: "I'll buy a DVD of the 2008 Olympics and watch it for 30 minutes a
day."

January 1st: "I will not only wash, but also dry all our dirty dishes,
immediately after each meal."
March 1st: "I will train my cat to dry dishes, the dog already washes them."

January 1st: "I will remember my own birthday and celebrate in a special way."
March 1st: "I will somehow forget how old I am."

January 1st: "I will make a time for reading each day in 2009."
March 1st: "I will read the back of grocery store receipts to see if I have earned
enough points to get for free, the featured Teflon cookware."

ELF-SERVE not Self-serve - What Mommy is thinking about in December…

ELF-SERVE



What Mommy is thinking about in December…
...while everyone is rushing through the doors chasing bargains the day after Thanksgiving, mommy is thinking about how can she recover from a broken hip in time for Christmas Eve.

...while everyone else is taking three months to find the most popular toy, mommy is still trying to remember where she hid last year’s most popular toy.

...while everyone is taking pictures at the kids' church Christmas musical, mommy hopes they don’t take one of her because she’s wearing two different colors of shoes (the dog has hidden one of each).

...while everyone else is sporting those great red Santa hats, mommy remembers wearing one last year and causing a multiple car fender bender because she was mistaken for a stoplight.

...while everyone else is using the Advent calendar to count down to Christmas, mommy is counting down to December 26 (and the full body mud spa treatment she promised herself).

...while everyone else is wearing Christmas sweaters, mommy knows that they actually make you look like a mobile Christmas bulletin board.

...while everyone is trading fruit cakes, if mommy says yes to one more Christmas party where they are yodeling Jingle Bells, she's going to become a fruitcake.

...while everyone is opening presents Christmas Eve, mommy is wondering if anyone will notice that to hide the taste, she basted the burned turkey with green jello.

...while everyone else knows Santa is real, mommy knows he isn't, but if he was, he'd be in charge of cleaning up the wrapping paper.

Have a Merry Celebration of Christ’s Birth!




Want to read a great Christmas story to your children or grandchildren?

Check out Baby Saves Christmas by Cheryl Moeller and Melissa Moeller Briggs, Juvenile ficition that you won't want to put down!

(illustrated by Susan R. Smith)

Buy here today.
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Saves-Christmas-ebook/dp/B005XPAVLA/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1323987934&sr=1-1

Mommy's Night Before Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
The children were sleeping,
Even my spouse.

I was searching for the stockings, I looked under a chair,
But under the cushion found rippled potato chips there.

The children had not wanted to go to their beds,
As visions of Easy Bake Ovens danced in their heads,
Exhausted I closed my eyes and soon fell asleep,
Till rudely awakened by the sounds of BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!



The relatives made it here hurray after all,
Now it would truly be a complete Christmas ball,
The children were awakened, and with them hubby Steve,
by Grandpa Alexander and Grandma Eve.

As the hot cocoa that night so generously flowed,
I noticed something under the sink that seemed rather old,
It was the stockings I had sought for hidden inside a container.
Only they had been used last week as a handy spaghetti strainer.

Indiana Wants Me

I'll be in Schererville, Indiana with my comedy on Tuesday Morning,
November 11. If you live in the area and would like to attend, please
contact me for more details. momlaughs@gmail.com

Think Outside the Bulb...

I'll be in Orland Park (Wednesday) and Grayslake (Thursday) this week
making moms laugh. Let me know, if you are interested in attending
and I will send you details momlaughs@gmail.com

Read the Instructions or Else

Kenzie's dream was a lofty one -- to sit upon her own throne on her 9^th
birthday and unwrap her gifts. So she talked me into buying a
Strawberry Shortcake inflatable chair to be used to fulfill not
only her royal ambitions but another dream as well. When we moved into
our current home four years ago she exacted a promise that I would
decorate her room in pink. As you guessed it is still blue, but for one
Strawberry Shortcake throw pillow, a Strawberry Shortcake poster, and
an inflatable pink throne she would consider her room officially decorated
until she reaches the age of 13.

How could I resist?

I must have been blindfolded and taken by a UFO because in a matter
of minutes I found myself walking through the aisles of Party City. It was
there I bought her the apparently indestructible Strawberry Shortcake
Inflatable Chair.

It was now the day before the party and time to blow up the inflatable
throne because -- well -- it's inflatable.  Being a gifted mother however
I informed Kenzie we must read the instructions first.

That’s when the trouble began.

The instructions promise that if the item is inflated properly it may
last up to 10 years (the perfect gift to send my daughter off to college
with). In fact, the instructions promise, if you take proper care of the
chair it can become a cherished family heirloom (“Yes, dear, it’s
true. Your great grandmother, Queen Cheryl, sat upon this very
inflatable throne and ruled the upper waste water management
district of the state of Illinois in the early 21st century. Her portrait
is down the hallway”). 

The instructions also warn you that if you want your Strawberry
Shortcake Inflatable Chair to look like the one on the box you need
to look at it under normal light. (Do you know anyone who looks
at chairs with abnormal light in their homes? If you do, put this
down and calmly dial the police giving their address and
description). 

Perhaps they’re talking about extreme weather conditions.
Let’s say there’s a major tornado in your area and you just saw
Dorothy and Toto fly by outside. Apparently the throne will change
colors. 

Back to the instructions: “To preserve this chair for future
generations you must do the following: 

Do not use around sharp knives or objects.  (Oh, no. I guess
I’m going to have to resign my activities with the Shopping Mall
Mama Gangstas.) 

Do not touch with a cigarette or open flame (And I wanted to
sit in my inflatable chair and have a fondue party.)

Do not rub against a rough wall or a rough wall surface.  (Now
they’ve taken all the fun out of life. Haven’t you ever been to a party
where everyone rubbed an inflatable chair against their head to form
static electricity -- then watched how long they could get their chair
to stick to the wall?)   

Do not jump on your Strawberry Shortcake chair. (So we can’t
do cannon balls off our sofa onto the chair anymore either? What do
these depressed, lonely, joyless shells of human beings who
invented the inflatable throne do for fun on their long winter nights at
home anyway?) 

Do not use in your pool as a flotation device.  (I guess that means
the 5,000 inflatable thrones on the USS Abraham Lincoln are all
going back to Party City – another awful case of wasteful government
misuse of our taxpayer monies). 

If you are sitting out in this chair in a cold climate added inflation
will be needed.  Now, I understand why in the movie March of the
Penguins (filmed in Antarctica) the mother penguins all pushed their
inflatable thrones 400 miles across frozen wastelands to the warmer
waters of the ocean. It was so they would need less air when they sit down.
Aren’t Mother Nature’s instincts nothing less than amazing?

This chair is made to last but caution is required to avoid damage
to this or any other inflatable product.  (At least I am not reading
this in vain since these principles are transferable.)
 

Please follow all of these instructions carefully and enjoy your
new inflatable furniture (What if I deliberately choose not to enjoy it
– does that void the warranty?)

You know, just thinking of having to follow all these instructions just to
enjoy an inflatable throne made me want to sit down, no, stand up, take
a nap, Oh, whatever.

Where is my sharp object?

"Top Ten" Questions I have about Laundry

All of us have questions about our laundry. Women used to have their questions answered by their moms, grandmas and neighbors over the backyard fence as they hung their clothes up on the clothesline. I am a stay at home mom of 6 with mountains of laundry to do. These are some of my unanswered questions about laundry.


"Top Ten" Questions I have about Laundry

1) How come no woman I know has time to hang their bed sheets out to dry on a clothesline but has 45 minutes to drive to a Hallmark store to buy a candle named "country sheets?"
2) Why is it socks go in the washing machine as pairs and never come out?

3) How come people say it helps the environment if I wash cloth diapers instead of using Pampers for six children -- but in the end have to dispose of two Maytag washing machines and a dryer from running them night and day? Are these people willing to come and bury my appliances in their backyard?

4) Why did I let my Aunt Lillian talk me into washing my husband's new ties in the washing machine? Why did she smile and promise they would look "better than new?"

5) How come I have to use an entire cannister of Oxyclean on my kids' sports uniform to get a postage stamp of grass stain out each week -- yet they clean an entire carpet covered with sump pump sludge with only two tablespoons on television ads? Can I connect my sump pump to their carpet?

6) How come Metamucil tablets turn into lifesize baskteballs that have a life of their own when they go through the wash if they are left in a pocket?

7) How come my laundry pile is always taller than I am? How come I often hear the voice of a man from inside the laundry pile who once went into our laundryroom to work on our furnace? Is this the reason his truck has been parked outside for the last three months?

8) How come during the spin cycle my washing machine begins to vibrate with such force and velocity that it “walks” away from the wall? It really does. It reminds me of the robot from “Lost in Space” that used to follow family members waving its arms, “Danger Will Robinson…Danger Will Robinson.

9) How come one night we woke up thinking there was an intruder in our bedroom only to switch on the light and find out it was only our Maytag?

10) How come people ask me what I am going to do with all my time when I don't have all that laundry to do -- knowing full well that I will be dead.

Too Tired for Technology

As a mother of preschoolers, I fell behind the curve when it comes to technology. While other women were sporting Blackberries, Palm Pilots, and Blue Tubes dangling in their ears, all I could manage was a small spiral notebook from the dollar aisle in Walgreens. However, just to stay in the game I decided to refer to it as my Papyrus Pilot. My Bic ballpoint pen is my Cylinder Inkjet 5000.

These are some of the things that I have put in my Papyrus Pilot. First of all there's a listing of overdue library notices (now in the thousands of dollars, carrying with them threat of foreclosure on our home); the birthdays of all our relatives that I missed while taking anti-nausea drugs for throwing up during pregnancies.

Are you wondering what I was doing while you were updating? While other people were updating, I was scraping out the remainder of my mauve lipstick with the cap of my ink pen so I could make it last one more week.

While other people were updating, I was spending an hour walking around the block. That's how long it took me to walk around the block with preschoolers.

While other people were chatting on their newest equipment, I was chasing Pooka out of a drainage ditch. Every time I would ever start a conversation with another human around my age, Pooka would head either for a wet ditch, a river, a lake, a train track or a tollway. Pooka makes Curious George seem satisfied.

While other people were updating, I was dating my husband.

While other people were updating, I was laboring in childbirth.

While other people were updating, I was handing out hugs and kisses for all sorts of boo boos that preschool kids can get into.

While other people were updating, I was making dinner. I don't have a palm pilot to plan the family's menus. My Papyrus Pilot does a good job recording the grocery list. I always use my Papyrus Pilot in meal planning. I need help because the three words that I fear most in the English language are, "What's for dinner?" I have trouble deciding what's for dinner. And it's a question at least one of the kids hits me with before 9:00 Am. I can't think pasta primavera before the Cheerios are scraped off the floor. And I know the clock will keep ticking toward 6:00 Pm and I'd better have someth ing steaming, stewing or grilling.

Over the years I've decided a number of meal planning methods. My least favorite was to open the freezer and make whatever fell out and hit me on the head. It had spontaneity going for it, but the lump on my head grew monotonous. Besides, we couldn't afford the monthly brain scans this home making method demanded.

Even with this failsafe method there are certain things I won't make for dinner. Because when I was pregnant with six children, not all at once mind you, I calculated that I threw up a combined total of 2000 times. I am not kidding. One of the combinations of foods I will not eat together is potato chips and milk. Why? Because I refuse to eat something that at one time has come out of my nose

I finally settled on deciding what was for dinner according to the days of the week. Monday is for M so we eat meatloaf or meatballs; Tuesday is for T so we eat tacos or turkey, Wednesday is for W which limits us to watermelon and watercress sandwiches. And how do I remember what day it is? I use my Papyrus Pilot, of course.

So buy a papyrus pilot, simplify your life and enjoy your husband, your children, sunsets, fresh air and the important things in life that really do last.

20 Things I've Learned from Raising Six Children

20 Things I’ve Learned from Raising Six Children

(Published also on http://www.mops.org/ October 2007)

1) Salt, pepper and milk are not fish food.
2) It's a bad thing when your child calls from camp and asks if it's a bad thing if one foot is bigger than the other.
3) If you mow the lawn with the basement windows open – the carbon monoxide detector will go off.
4) The ceiling fan doesn’t hold more than a 40 pound child and is not a substitute for taking your child to Great America.
5) Two kids cannot sit on top of the refrigerator but one can.
6) A 10-year-old cannot run a mile without shoes but he can run a ½ mile.
7) A mother with three sons doesn’t have that many friends who are mothers of all girls when the sons are young. The mother has more friends who are mothers of all girls when they reach high school age.
8) You get invited over less to friends and family’s houses for Sunday dinner when you have six kids.
9) When the nurse says, "even though the white count is as high as Mononucleosis – it’s only E coli," you shouldn’t be happy.
10) Finger painting is a good hobby.
11) Finger painting the front door is not a good hobby.
12) Green marker and a new couch don’t mix.
13) Black marker and a new loveseat also don’t mix.
14) The backyard swimming pool is not a bubble bath.
15) Pool filters do not like bubbles.
16) A dog who has been fed two packages of hot dogs can throw up twice his body weight.
17) Being hit with a marble from the second floor hurts more than being hit by a marble from the first floor.
18) The Easy Bake oven does not bake cookies fast enough for a family of eight.
19) “I hope you didn't forget I put the cell phone on the roof of the car” is not a good thing to hear when you are going 60 mph on the toll way.
20) A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.