Kenzie's dream was a lofty one -- to sit upon her own throne on her 9th
birthday and unwrap her gifts. So she talked me into buying a
Strawberry Shortcake inflatable chair to be used to fulfill not
only her royal ambitions but another dream as well. When we moved into
our current home four years ago she exacted a promise that I would
decorate her room in pink. As you guessed it is still blue, but for one
Strawberry Shortcake throw pillow, a Strawberry Shortcake poster, and
an inflatable pink throne she would consider her room officially decorated
until she reaches the age of 13.
I must have been blindfolded and taken by a UFO because in a matter of minutes I found myself walking through the aisles of Party City. It was there I bought her the apparently indestructible Strawberry Shortcake Inflatable Chair.
It was now the day before the party and time to blow up the inflatable throne because -- well -- it's inflatable. Being a gifted mother however I informed Kenzie we must read the instructions first. That’s when the trouble began.
The instructions promise that if the item is inflated properly it may last up to 10 years (the perfect gift to send my daughter off to college with). In fact, the instructions promise, if you take proper care of the chair it can become a cherished family heirloom (“Yes, dear, it’s true. Your great grandmother, Queen Cheryl, sat upon this very inflatable throne and ruled the upper waste water management district of the state of Illinois in the early 21st century. Her portrait is down the hallway”).
The instructions also warn you that if you want your Strawberry Shortcake Inflatable Chair to look like the one on the box you need to look at it under normal light. (Do you know anyone who looks at chairs with abnormal light in their homes? If you do, put this down and calmly dial the police giving their address and description).
Perhaps they’re talking about extreme weather conditions. Let’s say there’s a major tornado in your area and you just saw Dorothy and Toto fly by outside. Apparently the throne will change colors.
Back to the instructions: “To preserve this chair for future generations you must do the following:
Do not use around sharp knives or objects. (Oh, no. I guess I’m going to have to resign my activities with the Shopping Mall Mama Gangstas.)
Do not touch with a cigarette or open flame (And I wanted to sit in my inflatable chair and have a fondue party.)
Do not rub against a rough wall or a rough wall surface. (Now they’ve taken all the fun out of life. Haven’t you ever been to a party where everyone rubbed an inflatable chair against their head to form static electricity -- then watched how long they could get their chair to stick to the wall?)
Do not jump on your Strawberry Shortcake chair. (So we can’t do cannon balls off our sofa onto the chair anymore either? What do these depressed, lonely, joyless shells of human beings who invented the inflatable throne do for fun on their long winter nights at home anyway?)
Do not use in your pool as a flotation device. (I guess that means the 5,000 inflatable thrones on the USS Abraham Lincoln are all going back to Party City – another awful case of wasteful government misuse of our taxpayer monies).
If you are sitting out in this chair in a cold climate added inflation will be needed. Now, I understand why in the movie March of the Penguins (filmed in Antarctica) the mother penguins all pushed their inflatable thrones 400 miles across frozen wastelands to the warmer waters of the ocean. It was so they would need less air when they sit down. Aren’t Mother Nature’s instincts nothing less than amazing?
This chair is made to last but caution is required to avoid damage to this or any other inflatable product. (At least I am not reading this in vain since these principles are transferable.)
Please follow all of these instructions carefully and enjoy your new inflatable furniture (What if I deliberately choose not to enjoy it – does that void the warranty?)
You know, just thinking of having to follow all these instructions just to enjoy an inflatable throne made me want to sit down, no, stand up, take a nap, Oh, whatever.
Where is my sharp object?