...You want a manicure; you instead borrow your husband’s electric chainsaw.
...You want to go to a tanning salon; you instead wear old pantyhose over your arms and face.
...You want time to yourself at a spa; you instead go inside your walk-in closet, unfold a chase lawn chair, run the humidifier, and your youngest daughter blows bubbles in your direction.
...You want to take an art class; you instead go to the local railroad yard and watch gang members paint graffiti on boxcars.
...You want a trip through the Isles of Greece; you instead walk up and down the aisles of your supermarket where they sell Crisco (grease) shortening.
...You want to learn a foreign language; you instead spend your evenings calling bank card customer service agents who speak anything but English.
...You want a shawl made from domestic Alpacas; you instead brush the sofa for the cat’s hair several weeks until eventually you’re set to start crocheting.
...You want the red carpet treatment for Mother’s Day; you instead choose to leave the last three glasses of red Hawaiian punch your three year old spilled on the rug.
...You want your make-up to match your complexion season (summer, winter); you instead sprinkle paprika on your lips for that deep burnt orange look or beet juice for the color of late summer.
...You want a cruise to the Caribbean; you instead set your cruise control on 35 and drive to your local Jamba Juice.
...You want to smell of an exquisite earthy perfume; you instead you splash on a little Murphy’s Oil Soap before you do the floors.
...You want a new hairdo; you instead use the standard excuse line, "I'm growing my hair grow out."
...You want a three-headed shower complete experience; you instead shower with three garden hoses outside shaking dry like a dog.