1. To talk out their issues and problems instead of shoving, pushing, and tackling out there on the field – fighting never solves anything.
2. To stop whispering in the huddles; it only makes the other team feel bad to know they’re being talked about.
3. The real Super Bowl is the big white one in the bathroom.
4. There’s no point in wearing a clean uniform if you only intend to get it dirty – furthermore it is only polite to walk, not run when you’re in a crowd. And stealing the ball from someone who is playing with it is always wrong. Why do people cheer when that happens? It only encourages bad behavior.
5. Those men wearing black-and-white striped shirts and carrying whistles should use their handkerchiefs instead of throwing them down on the field. And why do they carry yellow ones? They don't match anyone's outfit.
6. Those men floating up there in that giant Goodyear balloon should come down right now before it pops. Besides – they are cheating-they’re trying to see the game without having to buy a ticket. Shame on them!
7. It is really not nice to pour a bucket of Gatorade on that poor man standing on the sideline – the clipboard he’s holding is probably the homework he's been working on the entire game. Now it's all wet, and the teacher will make him stay after school and do it all over again.
8. Coaches should know when they a player is given a "time out" in a game that the player should be made to sit in a corner and think about what they have done wrong. They shouldn’t let them back on the field until they say they're sorry. A two-minute time out just isn’t enough time to teach a lesson.
9. You don’t give the player supper if he comes in one more time with his uniform all dirty.