Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Nine Things Not to Say in a Wedding Card

1. Congratulations on your big day! You won't believe it but I saw your same dress on a reality  television series, "Prison Weddings". (Unfortunately they discovered it had been stolen.)

2.   My roommate from college is getting married! I'm so excited for you! By the way did you know   I read there was a serious computer virus operating on your Internet dating website when they matched you with Brad? Don't worry, they've fixed it now and no more polygamists will be allowed to get through the filter process. Enjoy your magical day!

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3.  I can't believe the size of your engagement ring cousin! And it's three carats no less! What a time of coincidences too! I happen to work at a credit agency and your fiance's score just  popped up on my screen all by itself the other day – a 25 out of 750. Can you imagine that? Keep that new diamond and your love sparkling!

4. Your wedding goes to show there are no hopeless cases. Love, Aunt Edna

5. That tuxedo your new husband wore is so unforgettable! I told Elmer on the way home it looks  exactly like those adorable Antarctic birds in, "March of the Penguins."  I'm just curious – does your hubby like cold weather?

6. To think you're already back from your honeymoon! I'm so happy the two of you are happy. I      don't even mind losing the $10 bet with your sister that the marriage wouldn't last this long.
(You two are still together aren't you?)

7.  What a thrill to meet your new husband at the wedding! I felt like I had seen him before. Then when I returned to my job at the Post Office I realized I had. To think his picture was on the wall for two  years and I never bothered to look at his name. (I hope you feel so wanted in your new life together…he is.)

8. We all wept at your wedding, sweetheart. There's no need to explain why. Aunt Selma.

9. My dearest daughter, congratulations on your marriage to Steve. They say, "Behind every great   man is a surprised mother-in-law." I'm still waiting to be surprised. Signed, your loving Mother

10. Marriage is like a carton of milk – it's wholesome, refreshing, and comes with an expiration date. May your love never curdle, but if it does, make tofu.
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1 comment:

Jamey... said...

I had someone tell me on my way out of my bridal hair appointment "Oh, that's a good age for your first marriage."