Things you are not going to hear from mother...

"Turn up that ipod, Barrett! How in the world can you hear with it turned so low?"

"Recycle, Reuse, Renew... I expect you to wear that same shirt for the entire month."

"Of course Preston, if everyone is doing it, you should be able to do it too."

Or a similar, but older, version, (“If everyone walks over a cliff, I would expect you, Preston, to be the one to dive over it too.”)

"And I want no complaining about this – we’re going to save on the grocery bill by cutting out all fruits and vegetables."

"Why use Kleenex?"

"There you go again wearing a coat when it’s raining outside -- just wasting your time taking it on and off."

"Please go ahead and drink out of your brother's cup – who ever heard of strep throat being catchy?”

“We could care less what neighbors will think.”

"Get three new puppies? Why not? I know in the end you’ll be the one stuck taking care of them.”

"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, leave that door wide open behind you! We need fresh air in here."

"Why work so hard on your schoolwork, when you can watch television all day?”

"Pour out that skim milk right now and open a Coke. Do you hear me?”

"Stick and stones won’t break my bones, but words...................say whatever you want."

"Please, please don’t visit me today of all days – it’s only Mother’s Day.”

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

You Know Gardening is NOT your gift, if...

Your roadside stand customers offer to pay you, if you'll keep your vegetables.

Your pesticide company sprays you instead.

You hire a lawyer, to defend yourself, from the class-action lawsuit the locust file against you.

You're able to grow more mold in the desert, than veggies in your garden.

You hire the United States Secretary of Agriculture, as a consultant, to get a row of radishes to sprout.

Your heart tells you "yes!"; your knees tell you "no!"

Your weeds are your best friends, not your enemies. (You figure, at least with the weeds, something is growing.)

You don't have fourteen trillion zucchinis to pass out in late August

Your sweat is how you water your garden, causing flooding to kill your plants.

You buy veggies at the store and then lay them around in your garden, to impress others

Your woodchucks know your first name and you attend Junior Woodchuck's high school graduation.

You attempt to rototill your driveway.

Your neighbor's compost heap wins first place in the county fair, instead of your garden.

You drive your spade deep into the ground for the first time and lights flicker in the neighborhood.

You planted on New Year's Day, because the seeds were on sale.

Your rabbits actually prefer the plastic vegetable display on your kitchen table.

Your slice of cheese, in the bottom of the frig, is the only thing green growing on your property.

Your zucchinis are bought by the United Starts Defense Department, for artillery training.

The only Burpee in your garden is from indigestion.