ELF-SERVE not Self-serve - What Mommy is thinking about in December…

ELF-SERVE



What Mommy is thinking about in December…
...while everyone is rushing through the doors chasing bargains the day after Thanksgiving, mommy is thinking about how can she recover from a broken hip in time for Christmas Eve.

...while everyone else is taking three months to find the most popular toy, mommy is still trying to remember where she hid last year’s most popular toy.

...while everyone is taking pictures at the kids' church Christmas musical, mommy hopes they don’t take one of her because she’s wearing two different colors of shoes (the dog has hidden one of each).

...while everyone else is sporting those great red Santa hats, mommy remembers wearing one last year and causing a multiple car fender bender because she was mistaken for a stoplight.

...while everyone else is using the Advent calendar to count down to Christmas, mommy is counting down to December 26 (and the full body mud spa treatment she promised herself).

...while everyone else is wearing Christmas sweaters, mommy knows that they actually make you look like a mobile Christmas bulletin board.

...while everyone is trading fruit cakes, if mommy says yes to one more Christmas party where they are yodeling Jingle Bells, she's going to become a fruitcake.

...while everyone is opening presents Christmas Eve, mommy is wondering if anyone will notice that to hide the taste, she basted the burned turkey with green jello.

...while everyone else knows Santa is real, mommy knows he isn't, but if he was, he'd be in charge of cleaning up the wrapping paper.

Have a Merry Celebration of Christ’s Birth!




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"Top Ten" Questions I have about Laundry

All of us have questions about our laundry. Women used to have their questions answered by their moms, grandmas and neighbors over the backyard fence as they hung their clothes up on the clothesline. I am a stay at home mom of 6 with mountains of laundry to do. These are some of my unanswered questions about laundry.


"Top Ten" Questions I have about Laundry

1) How come no woman I know has time to hang their bed sheets out to dry on a clothesline but has 45 minutes to drive to a Hallmark store to buy a candle named "country sheets?"
2) Why is it socks go in the washing machine as pairs and never come out?

3) How come people say it helps the environment if I wash cloth diapers instead of using Pampers for six children -- but in the end have to dispose of two Maytag washing machines and a dryer from running them night and day? Are these people willing to come and bury my appliances in their backyard?

4) Why did I let my Aunt Lillian talk me into washing my husband's new ties in the washing machine? Why did she smile and promise they would look "better than new?"

5) How come I have to use an entire cannister of Oxyclean on my kids' sports uniform to get a postage stamp of grass stain out each week -- yet they clean an entire carpet covered with sump pump sludge with only two tablespoons on television ads? Can I connect my sump pump to their carpet?

6) How come Metamucil tablets turn into lifesize baskteballs that have a life of their own when they go through the wash if they are left in a pocket?

7) How come my laundry pile is always taller than I am? How come I often hear the voice of a man from inside the laundry pile who once went into our laundryroom to work on our furnace? Is this the reason his truck has been parked outside for the last three months?

8) How come during the spin cycle my washing machine begins to vibrate with such force and velocity that it “walks” away from the wall? It really does. It reminds me of the robot from “Lost in Space” that used to follow family members waving its arms, “Danger Will Robinson…Danger Will Robinson.

9) How come one night we woke up thinking there was an intruder in our bedroom only to switch on the light and find out it was only our Maytag?

10) How come people ask me what I am going to do with all my time when I don't have all that laundry to do -- knowing full well that I will be dead.